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I’ll turn this holiday around right now!

Tuesday, October 30th, 2007 Leave a comment Go to comments

A news article from The Philadelphia Inquirer

From: The principal of Paris Hilton Country Day School

To: Our esteemed parents

Re: Canceling Halloween forever. And ever.

With the pungent memory (and extensive smoke damage) of last year’s Halloween uppermost in our minds, it is our considered opinion (and our legal counsel’s expressed wish) that we forgo the holiday’s celebration this and all subsequent years.

First off, we want to apologize to our pagan parents for the third grade’s impromptu – and illegal – re-creation of the Salem witch trials.

That little Tiffany Pug pinched a nerve in her neck while being held in stocks and pummeled with tomatoes and Spanish textbooks was regrettable.

The curse she placed on the school, although imaginative, appears to be winding down. The last of the frogs and locusts should be out of the gym soon. Next time, the Pug family might consider asimple lawsuit.

And though we believe in fun, setting the glee club on fire for – as our young arsonists chanted – “Beelzebub’s grand design” might have gone a little far. Let us stipulate that devil worship is no longer a recognized elective at Paris Hilton, having been discontinued after the soccer team disappeared.

On another matter, whoever performed the Halloween-night experimental surgery on our school mascot, Donny the Billy Goat, truly has a detention coming. Donny is now in a livestock-protection program at an undisclosed petting zoo.

Regarding costumes, perhaps it’s time to end the tradition. When little Timmy Topanga showed up to class dressed as a food-borne illness, we all pretty much decided we’d had it.

Certainly, we were pleased that our young women enjoyed dressing up. But having half our female upperclassmen look like a Girls Gone Wild video was beyond the pale.

Even the female faculty came to school on Halloween looking like they worked at Hooters. What was wrong with a nice Mulan or Snow White costume?

By the way, good news. We’re close to a credible explanation for why the cafeteria walls have been bleeding since last October. The exorcist we hired has proven quite capable.

No luck in finding the source of the otherworldly moans emanating from the walk-in freezer, however. And no, we don’t believe chicken nuggets normally behave that way. Again, we’re looking into it.

Also, we should say that, while we applauded the school radio station when it gave a nod to Halloween history and restaged Orson Welles’ The War of the Worlds, things went too far when Mr. Brum’s science class became so agitated by the broadcast that it swarmed and stomped him.

Please tell your children that Mr. Brum is not a Martian. That thing on his face is a gang tattoo.

This might be a good time to address a persistent and unfortunate rumor. It is absolutely untrue that the school is built on an Indian burial ground. Paris Hilton is, as we’ve patiently repeated, constructed on an EPA superfund site.

The sulfurous odor emanating from the basement is not, as our crybaby janitor claims, “the collected stench of 1,000 restless souls,” but only the endless burbling of unstable chemicals that leached into the soil after the Army abandoned this location when a colonel in a weapons lab got vaporized.

We hope that puts your minds at ease. Happy Halloween everybody!

http://www.philly.com/inquirer/magazine/20071030_Ill_turn_this_holiday_around_right_now_.html

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