How To Survive a Horror Movie

Sunday, October 12th, 2008 Leave a comment

From Slice of Scifi

  • When it appears you have killed the monster, NEVER check to see if it’s really dead.

    Horror Movie Monsters

    Horror Movie Monsters

  • Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.
  • Do not go search for something in the basement, especially if the power has just gone out.
  • If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not speak, or if they speak to you using a voice which is not their own, shoot them immediately. It will save you the grief in the long run. *NOTE* It will probably take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared.
  • When you have the benefit of numbers, NEVER pair off or go alone.
  • As a general rule, don’t solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.
  • Never stand in, on, above, below, beside or anywhere near a grave, tomb, crypt, mausoleum or any other house of the dead.
  • If you are searching for something which caused a loud noise and you find out it’s just the cat, leave the room immediatey if you value your life.
  • If appliances start operating by themselves, move out.
  • Do not take *anything* from the dead.
  • If you find a town which looks deserted, it’s probably for a good reason. Take the hint and stay away.
  • Don’t fool around with recombinant DNA technology unless you’re sure you know what you are doing.
  • If you’re running away from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more if you are of the female persuasion. Also note that despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it’s still moving fast enough to catch up with you.
  • If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, developing a fascination with blood, glowing eyes, foaming at the mouth and increasing hairiness, get away from them as fast as possible.
  • Stay away from certain geographical locations. Such as: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog, the Bermuda Triangle or any small town in Maine.
  • If your car runs out of gas late at night, don’t go to the nearby deserted looking house to call for help. Likewise if your car has broken down, and the only refuge for miles is that creepy old mansion/castle on the hill. Stay in the car.
  • Beware of strangers bearing tools such as chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, lawnmowers, butane torches, smoldering irons, band saws or any device made from deceased companions.
  • Listen closely to the soundtrack and pay attention to the audience. They are usually far more intelligent than you could ever hope to be.
  • Never listen to music that contains staccato shrieking violins.
  • If you are a woman, never strip and take a shower in slow motion.
  • Do not keep all your sharpened kitchen knives in one of those wooden block thingies on your worksurface.
  • The first woman to either lose or remove her clothing is dead meat.
  • The guy with the testosterone overdose is also dead meat.
  • Along with the guy that is always making jokes
  • When you are searching a house because you think there is something dangerous there, turn on the damn lights!
  • Never back out of one room into another without looking. It’s always behind you.
  • If you are traveling with friends, never let any hitch hikers into the van with you. It’ll be the worst (if not the last) day of your life.
  • Never babysit.There are enough babysitter-in-danger-thanks-to-a-stupid-killer flicks out there already.
  • If you ARE stupid enough to babysit, never try on the mom’s nightgown collection. You’ll only end up showing more skin. Remember: Skin=Death.
  • If you are being chased, never lean against the wall when you think you lost him. He’ll just pop through and kill you.
  • Same goes for leaning against the window.
  • If you are at your Senior prom, and the school reject has just won prom queen, slowly back away and run for the exit. All hell is about to break loose.
  • Always remember — SEX=DEATH!

For Other Life Saving Tips

  • If you are a stoner among other stoners, be the quiet one or the lovable one. All the other stoners will be killed.
  • If the killer has stalked you over the phone lines, don’t take a job as a phone counselor.
  • Never let someone hypnotize you at a party.
  • Stay away from sewers.
  • If you sense something is behind you, don’t bother turning around to check. Just run.
  • If you are trying to escape the killer, sliding through the cat door in the electronic garage door will not help you any.
  • After you manage to kill the monster/killer, never sit beside it and cry. It will suddenly pop back up to finish the job.
  • Never go to camp or become a counselor. You’ll be dead by the end of summer.
  • Never say “I’ll be right back.” You won’t be back. End of story.
  • Don’t ever do something just because someone dares you to.
  • If you ever visit some distant planet and find objects that look like eggs, LEAVE THEM ALONE!!!
  • Then when one of your spaceship’s crew members finds a hideous parasite attached to his body (as a result of breaking the pervious rule), don’t let him back on the ship.
  • When a hideous alien menace is hunting you (as a result of breaking the previous two rules) NEVER wander off alone to hunt for the ship’s cat.
  • If someone tells you to do or not to something (example: DON’T fall asleep, DON’T go out there, DON’T go look for the homicidal-chainsaw-wielding psychopath by yourself) by all means, LISTEN TO THEM!!
  • A small town’s little summer celebration might sound like fun. But if you hear the locals say things like, “Why you’re the guest of honor! We couldn’t even have the barbecue with out you!”, run like hell.
  • If you are trapped in a house surrounded by demons, making coffee will not help anyone.
  • Always be nice to the shy, quiet, unpopular girl in school.
  • Clowns never have, nor will they ever be helpful to hang around while in a horror movie. As harmless as the might seem, they WILL kill you once you let your guard down.
  • Never go back for anything you lost.
  • Avoid people with pointy teeh.
  • Avoid people with lots of facial hair.
  • Avoid people with pale complexions who sway and moan,
  • If the barber remarks on the “666″ tattoo your kid has, abandon the kid and move to Irkutsk.
  • If you see a burly man wearing a hockey mask and toting a chainsaw, DO NOT stick around to see if he’s with the Philadelphia Flyers.
  • Never buy your kid a toy that talks back.
  • Remember: Just say “NO” to human blood.
  • Never watch a horror movie while you’re in a horror movie.
  • Never, under any circumstance, plan a camping trip that coincides with Friday the 13th.
  • Pigs blood is not now, nor has it ever been funny.
  • If the young girls of the neighborhood start singing songs about boogeymen while jumping rope, consider moving.
  • If you hit a man with a car in the middle of the night and try to roll him off of a dock, make sure that he is dead!
  • Never EVER play with any Ouijia board that you find in the basement of your newly bought, run-down house.
  • Never run into a deserted graveyard at night,
  • If you are running away from the killer/monster, don’t even try to start the car. It doesn’t matter if the car is brand new, it won’t start.
  • If running from the monster/killer, try to make the least amount of noise possible. Especially if you are female. Panting, crying and screaming is not going to help you hide any better.
  • For pete’s sake…NEVER stick your hand down the garbage disposal. Especially if you just heard strange noises in your house or while sinister music is playing.
  • Don’t marry a guy that has Satan Worshippers as friends. They will want you to birth the new Anti-Christ.
  • Never answer the phone when you are babysititng. Just get the hell out of there and leave the kids for dead.
  • If you think you see your girlfriend/boyfriend and they are wearing a mask, not talking, or conspicuously hiding their face, it’s not them.
  • Don’t be mean to the new kid. They will just end up killing you.
  • If you hear a strange noise coming from upstairs that sounds similar to, oh let’s say a severed head falling to the floor, don’t go trying to find out what it is.
  • Never touch something that just oozed out of a comet that landed near an abandoned farm house.
  • When battling zombies, always sever their head or shoot them in the brain. If you they still want to eat you after that, just surrender. There’s no hope for you anyway.
  • Never wait until you NEED the gun to check and see if it’s loaded.
  • If you have to stay out in the woods or at camp you’re pretty much screwed. But at least you’ll have a fighting chance in the cabin. Never EVER take the tent.
  • Never try to unmask the killer.
  • Never hide in a closet.
  • If you buried your child in a strange place and he came back as a demon, DON’T bury your wife in the same place.
  • If you find the mangled body of a friend, camping partner, janitor, or whom ever, don’t stay and investigate. Run like hell.
  • Don’t spend a lot of time in houses decorated with an excessive amount of medivel weaponry. It will be used eventually.
  • Don’t make a documentary that requires you to hike through the woods while looking for a witch that leaves stick figures hanging in trees.
  • If you are going to the bathroom in a movie theatre and you think you hear a guy and a girl making out in the stall next to you, don’t put your ear closer to the wall to listen.
  • If you see a short guy wearing green and wearing a shamrock hat, I wouldn’t stick around to ask about his pot of gold.
  • Never transport the killer in an ambulance from one place to another. Even if they’ve been in a coma for 10 years, they’ll wake up.
  • Never listen to strange voices on the telephone.
  • Never say “Who’s there?”
  • If your hand has been possesed by the Force of Evil, do NOT chop off your hand. Doing so will merely allow the disembodied hand the freedom to wreak havoc independent of your body. And now you have to spend the rest of the film trying to track it down,
  • If you have a feeling you’ll end up being chased by zombies during the night, remember to wear comfortable running shoes.
  • After babysitting, don’t walk down any deserted streets with lots of trees and bushes, but no lights.
  • If you are a girl with long blonde hair, blue eyes and big boobs, well, you are pretty much screwed.
  • Always check the backseat of your car before you get in.
  • When running away from the killer/monster, NEVER run upstairs.
  • If you see someone who is within screaming distance while running from the killer/monster, for the love of god, SCREAM!!
  • If a giant shark is chasing your family, don’t go swimming. Actually, stay away from the water, period.
  • If you are babysitting, don’t let the kids play with the Chucky doll.
  • If one night you see a dark haired girl carrying around dolls with the eyes scratched out, back away slowly, then run like hell.
  • If you go to your school library and there are a lot of books having to do with vampires and demons…move away ASAP
  • If you are fleeing from a killer or supernatural being and you see a cop car, run right by it. There are three possible ways that things will turn out if you try to get the cops attention and none are good:
  • A. The cop is already dead in some gruesome way that will cause you to scream and alert the killer/monster as to where you are.
  • B. The cop will probably end up dead as he tries to help you, this will only distract the killer away from you for a few seconds, but chances are you will end up getting killed anyway.
  • C. The supernatural being has assumed the form of a cop and just when you
    think you are safe…he will kill you.
  • If the locals say the camp is haunted, it probably is.
  • If people in your neighborhood have been disapearing and there’s talk about a surge of any type of insect…move. Stuborn home owners always die.
  • When and if you fall while running and the killer/monster is near you, don’t just sit there screaming like someone will hear you. Get up and RUN!!
  • Kill the Scientist. No matter what else you do, kill him off right away. They always want to study “it,” or take “it” back to the corporate masters, or learn from “it” at the expense of comrades lives. Eggheads are always trying to understand the unknown, and get nearly everyone killed doing it. Get a clue, kill the guy with the pocket protector, he’s going to sacrifice you anyway.
  • If the killer if after you and you somehow manage to knock him down,
    don’t get up and run for help. Believe me, he will stay down much longer
    after you kick him a couple times.
  • If the movie is directed by someone named Wes Craven or John Carpenter, you’re pretty much screwed.
  • If the killer/monster is dead, don’t dig up his grave to try to do a final resurrection. He will only come back to life.
  • If you disobey the previous rule, don’t try cutting off his head or anything
    cheap. Stick a grenade in his mouth and run for it.
  • If the killer is standing three feet in front of you, don’t just stand there and scream while he comes running towards you. It may comes as a shock, but he DOES in fact want to kill you.
  • A female should never wear a white shirt without a bra while escaping the monster. It will only increase your chances of falling and causing a freak rainstorm that will make your shirt transparent and result in your immediate death.
  • If you live in Maine and your hometown includes a clown driving a car he calls Christine with a large ,rabid St. Bernard in the backseat, while residing in an old, haunted hotel near a strange Pet Semetary and hangs out with teenage girls with telekenetic powers….you’re pretty much screwed.
  • If you DO happen to get killed, make sure it’s in a cheap low-budget gore-fest with no plot, so you can come back and kick ass, no explanation needed.

The image is from: Best Horror Movies

Clearly Identifying Hellenic Reconstructionist Organizations

Friday, June 6th, 2008 Leave a comment

Note: This wasn’t written by by me, but was written by an friend of mine, Timothy J. Alexander. The original post can be found at: Hellenismos.us

On Mind-N-Magick we had a conversation about individuals wanting to present an image of practicing Hellenismos, Hellenic Reconstruction, or Hellenic Polytheism. I wanted to provide a few examples of what I am talking about. Now, before anyone gets up in arms, I am not critiquing anyones love of the Gods, or their practices… but what is apparently clear, is that many of these groups, in order to attract members or to conform to group leaders change in thought and practice, have moved from Reconstruction to Neopaganism while still trying (by some) to present an image of Hellenismos, Hellenic Reconstruction, or Hellenic Polytheism.

….take for example the HellenicPagan Yahoo Group. If one goes on almost any general Pagan forum and ask for information on Hellenismos, Hellenic Reconstruction, or Hellenic Polytheism, it is almost inevitable that they will be referred to this group, but let us look for a moment at the groups description.

For the first five years of the group’s ten year history the site description stated…

New Age/witchcraft/Wicca or related practices are considered *offtopic* unless it DIRECTLY pertains to Hellenic/Roman Polytheism.

Today, the description states…

We welcome Reconstructionists, Wiccans, and any other pagans who worship the Greek gods in some way, as well as people who are interested in talking about such worship.

…and from my own experience, anyone that holds to the idea that Hellenismos is more than worshiping the Greek Gods “in some way” will quickly have their posts placed on hold, reviewed, edited, or deleted, especially if they can cite sources to affirm that position.

Let’s us move on to Neokoroi. I know we have some members who are also members of this group, and I do not want to be over critical, but even some members seems to think this is a Reconstructionist group when it is not.

The groups original description of their Yahoo Group stated…

group is entirely Reconstructionist in methodology, and is open to all those who sincerely wish to learn more about the Gods, and have fellowship with like-minded individuals. This is a restricted membership group, for polytheistic Hellenic Reconstructionists only.

Today the description states…

We tend to favor reconstructionism as an approach to developing Hellenismos, although we also recognize the importance of personal experience and local cultus. And we are especially dedicated to fostering “real life” worship, through the formation of local groups, and of course through the building of shrines and eventually temples.

All this, while their main website provides an aura of being Reconstructionist.

Neo Alexandria seems to be the worst and most intentional at making use of rhetorical slight of hand. From discussions with actual members, the group is diverse and includes Wiccans, Druids, and other Neopagans, along with self-identified Reconstructionists (some that are exclusively Hellenic or Kemetic), and the group does not have a formal mission to reconstruct the Greco-Egyptian religion, nor does the membership work to that goal.

Their Yahoo group description states…

Neos Alexandria, a general discussion list for those interested in Greek and Egyptian religion, history, and culture with a strong emphasis on Ptolemaic Egypt and the city of Alexandria in particular. This will be an informal group for people to share their own research and experiences as they explore these two beautiful faiths simultaneously and forge their own personal religious synthesis.

…and their website’s main page states…

This website serves as a common meeting place for all who are inspired by the Greco-Egyptian culture inaugurated by the Ptolemies and who seek a revival of the worship of the gods of Greece, Egypt, and Rome.

  • general discussion list
  • informal group
  • inspired by the Greco-Egyptian culture[/list]

Yet, on their Greco-Egyptian Pantheon page it is clearly stated that “we are trying to be as accurate as possible in the reconstruction of ancient Greco-Egyptian religion and this site is representative of that.” Sannion even reiterates in his What do I want in a Greco-Egyptian religious group article, “Certainly there are better, purer periods from which to reconstruct a Hellenic religion. And perhaps there are.”

…and some members have publicly promoted the group as a recon group…

NeosAlexandria, a Greco-Egyptian recon group, one Sannion is a part of, have released a new book on Dionysus, the first of many books they plan on releasing on the Gods they worship (which includes the Kemetic Gods too).
.
.
.
I know some of you probably aren’t that interested in Dionysus but I thought some of you might be interested ’cause NeosAlexandria does worship Kemetic Gods too, and combines and adopts certain Kemetic concepts (which was done in historical times, as this is a reconstruction of the Greco-Egyptian religion), such as the concept of divine kingship, etc (although NeosAlexandria don’t have a divine king like Kemetic Orthodox, it did play an important role in Greco-Egypt in ancient times).

~ http://mysticwicks.com/showthread.php?p=3425035

We can even provide even more blatant examples such as Spira and the Church of Thessaly if we want to continue further.

Again, I want to reiterate, this is not a criticism of anyones actual beliefs or practices. There are just some very serious issues with groups wanting the image of Hellenismos, Hellenic Reconstruction, or Hellenic Polytheism, be it to attract members or the image or whatever. People with a genuine interest get sucked into these groups, seek out mentors, and get filled with information that is (at best) labeled as inaccurate.

Reprinted with the permission of Hellenismos.us
Copyright © 2007-2008 Hellenismos.us, All rights reserved.
May not be reproduced in any form or by any means without the prior written consent of Hellenismos.us.

About Me

Monday, April 21st, 2008 4 comments

<!–
@page { size: 8.5in 11in; margin: 0.79in }
P { margin-bottom: 0.08in }
–>< After reading Twinkstar’s blog post about how she was adopted, and how this affected her, I decided that I was going to share my story as well.

As I have said before, I’m adopted, as is my younger sister. I wasn’t adopted when I was baby, I was adopted when I was much older, I was probably about 11 or 12. However, the wheels of our adoption had been in motion for a long time, at least since I was about 5, maybe even 4, years old. Outside of various bits and pieces of this story, I really don’t think that I’ve told anyone my story.

My mother was an alcoholic, smoked, and did drugs (crack, and others that slip my mind). During her pregnancy with me, her habits never changed, though I was told that she did curb this for the duration of her pregnancy with my sister (The effects of this, I’ll get into in another post). In fact, I was told that hours before I was born my mother was in crack house, getting high, and after I was born she would take me with her, when she to crack houses. About three months after I was born, my father left, I guess he couldn’t stand to be with my mother anymore, although from what I’ve been told he loved me (in fact, he once beat the crap out of my sisters father because he broke a window that was in my bedroom when I was only a couple of months old).

When I got older she would leave me, my sister, and my older brother alone, with my older brother, who I’ve been told wasn’t the best babysitter. My early childhood was one of abuse and neglect. My mother would always put getting her drugs ahead of putting food in our stomachs. in fact, once my grandparents bought my mother a lot of groceries, only to discover that she was selling the food out the back door for drug money.

And when she wasn’t selling our food for drug money, things weren’t that much better. While she and boyfriend were eating at the table, me and my two siblings were forced to eat our dinner on the floor with my sisters dog. And with that dog, you had to eat your food quickly or you were SOL. And I was often one SOL, in fact that happened to me so many times that I had a habit of hunching over my food and guarding it like an animal. My grandmother told me this story from when I was a little kid, occasionally I would call them really early in the morning and ask for a double cheeseburger, or two, and for a large fry, all for myself, and I would virtually inhale them (mind you I was very young).

My brother was 9 years older than me, and when he went to school, me and my sister were left alone in our house or with a mother who could care less what we did. You can imagine how happy we were when he got home, so one day, I was really excited when he got home, I came out running, and I fell, and I got my head stuck on the railing on our porch. Yeah, it took a while to get me unstuck, but they were able to finally get me unstuck, and I had this mark on my forehead from having it stuck in the railing. I don’t even think that my mother even cared about whether I was OK, or even noticed that I had a mark on my forehead.

Another time, everyone went to the beach, and I was really young, and I didn’t know how to swim, and I went to far out in the water, to where it was really deep, and I nearly drowned. I was yet again saved by my older brother. And yet again, I don’t think she even cared if I was OK. One day I was at a day camp, and they had this little wading pool that went up to a little past my shin, and I just stood there, absolutely terrified. In fact, at our house after we moved in with our grandparents, we had a pool in our backyard, it was about 4 ft tall, well above my head, and when we went in we had an adult in there with us, and we had the jackets on, but I never stayed in the water, I would always have to be in the blow-up raft. My uncle would try to get me go swimming, and he would tell me that if I couldn’t go into the raft unless I spent five minutes in the water, sure enough after I had spent those five minutes in the water, I would climb into that raft.

As bad as things were with my mother, things were so much worse with her boyfriend. Where she didn’t care about what happened to me or my siblings, he just straight up abused me. All of my memories of my childhood with my mother are virtually nonexistent, the fact that I know what happened to me is only because I was told about these by my grandmother or by my brother. I have been only told one story about the abuse that I suffered at the hands of my mothers boyfriend. I don’t know why, but one day he decided that he would tie me up with a rope to the garage door. I don’t know how long I was tied up, however, I know that when I was let down I had a serious problem with rope. In fact, after I moved in with my grandparents, they were building a little play scape, and it had a rope for climbing on. Upon sight of the rope, I just went into what my grandmother described as a seizure. Another time, I was at a day camp, and they had this little wading pool that went up to a little past my shin, and I just stood there, absolutely terrified. In fact, at our house after we moved in with our grandparents, we had a pool in our backyard, it was about 4 ft tall, well above my head, and when we went in we had an adult in there with us, and we had the jackets on, but I never stayed in the water, I would always have to be in the blow-up raft. My uncle would try to get me go swimming, and he would tell me that if I couldn’t go into the raft unless I spent five minutes in the water, sure enough after I had spent those five minutes in the water, I would climb into that raft.

Things were so bad for me, that I was actually forbidden from leaving the state of Michigan with my mother, so that when my two siblings went on a vacation with our mother, I had to stay here. Finally one day, when I was about 3 or 4, the people from Child Protective Services came and got us. They tried to get the rest of the family to take us in for foster care, however, no one else except our grandparents would take us in. Following their taking us in, our mother gave up her parental rights.

Then when I was 10, my mother died. A drug overdose, and I felt absolutely nothing at the news. All her funeral was to me, was a gathering of some people that I didn’t know, or knew but didn’t remember, all to mourn the loss of a woman that I didn’t know, but somehow was related to. I feel horrible about saying this, but at that point, my grandmother had become more of a mother to me, than my own biological mother was.

To this day, I find myself wondering if I could have somehow forged a relationship with my mother and what kind of relationship we would have had if she managed to straighten out her life. And occasionally I’ll find myself considering whether I should look for my biological father, and see if I can some kind of relationship and find out if I have other half-siblings, but than I figure that if he wanted to find me, he would have by now.

To this day, I still deal with the effects of everything that I went. True, while I don’t have seizures of terror whenever I see a rope any more, there are still long lasting psychological effects that I have to deal with. Except for some very fleeting, vague and happy memories, I have absolutely no recollection of my childhood. And I find it very difficult to open myself to very many people, and I have to know them and trust them very explicitly. I also find it difficult to make friends because to do so, would be opening myself up to being hurt again, and I know that it sounds ridiculous, it’s something that terrifies me. In fact, when I came to live with my grandparents I refused to talk to anyone, because I was terrified to trust anyone. I’m slowly working on this, and I’m getting better slowly.

Thank you all for reading this, I know that I rambled a bit in places.

Categories: Uncategorized

I’ll turn this holiday around right now!

Tuesday, October 30th, 2007 Leave a comment

A news article from The Philadelphia Inquirer

From: The principal of Paris Hilton Country Day School

To: Our esteemed parents

Re: Canceling Halloween forever. And ever.

With the pungent memory (and extensive smoke damage) of last year’s Halloween uppermost in our minds, it is our considered opinion (and our legal counsel’s expressed wish) that we forgo the holiday’s celebration this and all subsequent years.

First off, we want to apologize to our pagan parents for the third grade’s impromptu – and illegal – re-creation of the Salem witch trials.

That little Tiffany Pug pinched a nerve in her neck while being held in stocks and pummeled with tomatoes and Spanish textbooks was regrettable.

The curse she placed on the school, although imaginative, appears to be winding down. The last of the frogs and locusts should be out of the gym soon. Next time, the Pug family might consider asimple lawsuit.

And though we believe in fun, setting the glee club on fire for – as our young arsonists chanted – “Beelzebub’s grand design” might have gone a little far. Let us stipulate that devil worship is no longer a recognized elective at Paris Hilton, having been discontinued after the soccer team disappeared.

On another matter, whoever performed the Halloween-night experimental surgery on our school mascot, Donny the Billy Goat, truly has a detention coming. Donny is now in a livestock-protection program at an undisclosed petting zoo.

Regarding costumes, perhaps it’s time to end the tradition. When little Timmy Topanga showed up to class dressed as a food-borne illness, we all pretty much decided we’d had it.

Certainly, we were pleased that our young women enjoyed dressing up. But having half our female upperclassmen look like a Girls Gone Wild video was beyond the pale.

Even the female faculty came to school on Halloween looking like they worked at Hooters. What was wrong with a nice Mulan or Snow White costume?

By the way, good news. We’re close to a credible explanation for why the cafeteria walls have been bleeding since last October. The exorcist we hired has proven quite capable.

No luck in finding the source of the otherworldly moans emanating from the walk-in freezer, however. And no, we don’t believe chicken nuggets normally behave that way. Again, we’re looking into it.

Also, we should say that, while we applauded the school radio station when it gave a nod to Halloween history and restaged Orson Welles’ The War of the Worlds, things went too far when Mr. Brum’s science class became so agitated by the broadcast that it swarmed and stomped him.

Please tell your children that Mr. Brum is not a Martian. That thing on his face is a gang tattoo.

This might be a good time to address a persistent and unfortunate rumor. It is absolutely untrue that the school is built on an Indian burial ground. Paris Hilton is, as we’ve patiently repeated, constructed on an EPA superfund site.

The sulfurous odor emanating from the basement is not, as our crybaby janitor claims, “the collected stench of 1,000 restless souls,” but only the endless burbling of unstable chemicals that leached into the soil after the Army abandoned this location when a colonel in a weapons lab got vaporized.

We hope that puts your minds at ease. Happy Halloween everybody!

http://www.philly.com/inquirer/magazine/20071030_Ill_turn_this_holiday_around_right_now_.html

Categories: Uncategorized Tags: ,

Update

Thursday, October 18th, 2007 2 comments

Back in June, I said that I was Asatru. Well, since then, many things have changed for me. Due a great personal loss several days after my last post, I’ve been thinking a lot. Then, finally a month or so ago, it hit me, I was on the wrong path for. So, now, I’m just labeling myself as a Pagan seeker. I’m fascinated by the Greek pantheon, however, I am slow to call myself a Hellenic Polytheist, because I’m not willing to make that plunge yet.

Categories: Uncategorized Tags: ,

About Me

Saturday, June 9th, 2007 Leave a comment

    Well since this is my post here I think that I should tell you all a little about myself. Well, I’m 19 years old and I’m male. And I’m Pagan, well, Asatru to specific. I started on the path for only 14 days and I would love to find any new links that would help me learn about this wonderful faith.

    While I am new to the Asatru faith, I am not new to Paganism. Before I got into Asatru, I was what you could call an eclectic Wiccan, however, due to some disagreements with certain members of the Gardnerian tradition, I decided that Wicca wasn’t right for me at all!

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